Do you see what I did there?Whilst writing about something physically repellent, yet ultimately innocuous (public nose-picking), I dropped a little bomb.
... maybe because I was sexually abused as a child ...
Then I went away for a while, leaving you on your own to assimilate this new tidbit of personal information.
18 years ago, I did the same thing to my mom. She and I were in her car. It was a fancy Mercedes that I never drove despite her frequent encouragement to do so.
"Take my car. Here are the keys."
I was too afraid. I didn't want to accept the responsibility for a potential ding, or worse, a pile-up on the motorway. If I needed a car, I borrowed my father's mid-life crisis. I remember when my mom got that fancy car, I made all sorts of righteous protestations along the vein of "how do you justify spending the equivalent of a couple of years at a top university on a car?" My guilt trips fell on deaf ears. Ultimately, the fancy car turned out to be a bit of lemon. Every year, Mom would have to take it in for minor, yet costly repairs (air conditioning, windshield wipers, headlights). It was comfortable though. It felt solid, and safe.
I was home for a visit. I had finished university a few months previously, and in a few days I was due to be going to a village in southern Africa where I would teach for a year. I don't remember exactly where my mom and I were going; I was probably just keeping her company while she ran some errands, but I do remember exactly where we were when I told her. We were turning right onto 6th Ave from Vine Street. She was looking left at the one-way traffic coming down 6th, when I told her, "I have something to tell you, and I don't want you to freak out because I am just fine, but I want you to know because you know everything about me, and I just remembered this when I was talking with [insert ex-boyfriend's name here], and so I thought you should know ...."
Traffic whizzed by down 6th Avenue. My mother listened patiently while she looked at me then back at the traffic.
"Brother 2 sexually abused me when I was growing up."
The coast had cleared; she pulled out onto 6th.
I don't remember talking much more about it. I don't remember if she asked questions or if she was just silent. I suppose she needed time to absorb the news. I suppose I had made it clear that I didn't really want to talk about it ad naseum. I suppose deep down I thought maybe she knew all along.
How could she not?
I don't remember why I chose to tell her while she was driving. I suppose I wanted to make sure we were alone, and being in the fancy car was the safest place we could be. In retrospect, I probably could have planned it a little better -- for her sake. I could have chosen a time when she wasn't occupied with something else. I could have planned it better so that I didn't just drop a bomb then fuck off to southern Africa, leaving her with so many unanswered questions.
10 comments:
I wondered if you were going to return to this subject matter, you have, tread carefully and take care.
xxxx
I echo Daniel's comment x
Why did you tell her? Do you think she might have suspected all along? This is pretty rough stuff for a public forum.
Given the likely fall out - both from telling your mother and from posting here, tell and take off seems to be a pretty sensible strategy to me. Also, I like the oblique angle you've taken.
I'm such a superficial dork...I was so wrapped up in the boogerness that I completely missed the bombshell. Blessings to you.
Hmmm. I remember reading your post about the nose picking. And I was shocked at your revelation and wasn't quite sure what to make of it. I wanted to say sorry but I wasn't sure if that's what you wanted to hear/needed to hear. I wanted to ask about it but once again I didn't know if it was any of my business or if you simply wanted to forget.
Do you still speak to your brother? Were you hoping for some sort of reaction from your mother?
Nothing I can say that everyone else hasn't already said, but I will say that it takes tremendous courage to speak about something like this in such a public forum.
That being said, I'd expect nothing less than tremendous courage from you x
Given the time that's elapsed, I wonder how you regard the events now and also what's brought about your need to discuss it at this point in time. I've no equivalent experience to draw upon, so I could only give what I suppose is a media conditioned response. I wish you well and hope that this is not affecting you in a way you wouldn't want for yourself.
XXX
All ~ Thanks so much for the sincere well wishes. All this happened long ago, so it's really is ancient history. I'll be answering the questions in upcoming posts. And, Franklin, you friggin' crack me up.
xs to all!
Oh Ellie. You gots balls.
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