I reference demons. What specifically are they?Low self-esteem manifested in an unhealthy relationship with food.
Ups peppered with inexplicable downs.
Hating oneself.
Punishing oneself.
Hearing a voice in your head telling you how crap you are; you recognise the voice as yours, but it’s so removed from you it appears To be someone else, a different you, a hostile you.
Wishing you would disappear.
Wishing you could die.
Hiding in your closet.
Overeating.
Overeating and puking.
Eating a healthy amount and puking.
Not eating.
Overeating.
Hearing the voice in your head.
Hating yourself.
Hiding in your closet.
Wishing you could disappear.
Forever.
You get the picture.
Experts say that overzealously controlling one’s food consumption is a mechanism to regain a semblance of jurisdiction over one’s own self. Someone who was robbed of control, helpless, victimised, is likely to mete out justice through the strict apportioning of food to oneself.
Experts say that a child who has been sexually abused wishes to deflect attention from herself. A sexually abused child wants to blend into the woodwork. A sexually abused child wants to avoid being sexually abused again and again by disappearing. How does a young girl make herself disappear? She makes herself unattractive. How does a young girl make herself unattractive? She overeats. She craves the anonymity she unconsciously believes resides in excess flesh.
I don’t know if I buy all that.
I also cannot certify that my “demons” are the direct result of having been sexually abused. Young people struggle.
Don’t they?
Teenagers and young adults struggle with themselves. Who’s to say my inexplicable downs weren’t just the normal result of awkward early-adult angst?
Whatever the real origin of past demons, I have an excuse: “I was sexually abused as a child.” My excuse has become something of a joke between My Man and me. Any character flaw, any oversight (whoops, I forgot to pick up the cleaning!) has an excuse: “I was sexually abused as a child.”
It's the best excuse ever.
So true, and so unhelpful in the long run, as it's such a dead-end and catch-all excuse, implying that nothing can be done, that every aspect of one's personality is the result of a past trauma, and effectively silencing most input.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds to me like you're an incredibly evolved individual. Not many people are able to spin tragidy into a punchline. Good on you.
ReplyDeleteHa--I do the same thing with cancer. "Well, (fill in the blank), it's all because I had cancer." Works like a charm.
ReplyDeleteHmmm I did the starvation thing for a bit. What's my excuse???
ReplyDeleteI bloody well love you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm laughing my head off.
It takes a brave and strong soul to lighten such dark times.
I had a therapist who beat the 'this is my excuse' crap out of me. OK, not literally. He's retired now and I miss him. I feel I owe him my sanity and quite possibly my life.
ReplyDeleteBe kind to yourself, please.
~hugs~
Ixxx
PG - I know what you mean. I don't let it define me, despite my joking.
ReplyDeleteUB ~ "Punchline" ... I love it! Thanks for the compliment.
Franklin ~ We'd make quite a pair at a party! "Hi, I was sexually abused." "Hi, I had cancer." Survivors! x
Isabelle ~ Ha! I made you fall in love with me! Ha ha! Glad you laughed. You were meant to. x
Hypotemuse ~ Pretty much always kind to myself. When the darkness comes, I speak up. I think I'm good and set. The trick is monitoring! xxxx
Sid ~ Precisely! I think we all go through turmoil shit and negative behaviour. Some of us just have excuses.
I think you've stolen my list.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm now concerned and panicky at the last bit.
I'm not even a young adult and I still have the demons. They're quieter now, thanks to the therapy but I doubt they'll ever go away.
ReplyDeleteYou just spend time trying to work out where they came from and accepting whatever it is. I guess we all have our reasons, some worse than others.
On some level I think our demons help us become who we are. No flaws = no fun if you ask me.
Fweng ~ I prefer to think we are 'sharing' a list. x, e
ReplyDeleteBeth ~ I agree w/you 100%. x, e
I never did the overeating, but the overdrinking. And the hating, the punishing, the whatever. Still goes on daily. But I'm not an abuse victim. I'm just fucked up.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone is.
I love putting the spin on it that that gets to be your excuse for everything, I'm totally using that one when I fail to do the laundry or run a red light.
ReplyDeleteRassles ~ Yep, I think most people are.
ReplyDeleteFF ~ It is the best excuse ever! ;-)