I have alluded to recent, unbloggable thoughts that have distracted me from my bloggling responsibilities; thoughts that supplanted my normal contemplative rhythm; a rhythm to which I have become accustomed to witness almost like an objective, yet curious, third party. Blogging has enriched my life; it has made me more active, more present, more keenly aware of my external surroundings as well as my internal state of affairs. At the same time, and somewhat paradoxically, it has liberated me from an overabundance of self-obsession.The troublesome thoughts that have railroaded me from my general state of equilibrium fall into two seemingly unrelated, broad categories.
The categories are: change (as in big life decisions) and fantasies (as in close your eyes and escape into a false circumstance created just for you, by you with the possible help of television series or movies or books).
Even an amateur psychologist would probably be able to pick out the correlation between these ‘seemingly unrelated’ categories of thoughts. Big life changes spawn fantasies.
First, I’ll tackle the latter, in a general way.
I started fantasizing when I was a child; at bedtime, my pillow became my long lost father, then a boyfriend (no sex), then a lover.
It started off with Emergency . (The Doc was my father. He always bandaged me up after some mishap.)
It moved onto Chips. Whilst Ponch was dynamic (and dark and handsome), the quiet, strong type (John) won my heart. Then the apex of cheese to my schoolgirl fantasies: the Dukes of Hazard and Magnum PI. Later, LA Law had a bit part to play.
Oh! I mustn't forget The Lord of the Rings before it was a movie; and Charlotte's Web; and my fantastical, magical ability to commune with animals and make them love me above all else.
I’m sure there were others, but embarrassment has put the details out of my mind.
A sense of shame keeps the details of my recent fantasy off the internet. Suffice it to say, a recent fantasy whisked my thoughts away. I couldn't think about blogging whilst I obsessed over .....
Now, onto the former topic, life change ... the topic that the psychologist would probably say engendered the fantasies.
My Man and I have made a big decision.
We're leaving The Smoke.
19 comments:
As a daily reader in London (from Canada), I hope your big life changes will leave room for continued writing as I always enjoy the glimpse of your life through the keyhole you present.
I caught the review of your blog today on Ask And Ye Shall Receive. So pleased they Fucking Loved You. Congratulations!
Oh Ellie, I hope this is a good thing for you and Your Man. And I hope that wherever you land is as bloggable as The Smoke.
I've been wondering if you had ever submitted at AAYSR because I knew they would fucking love you.
Congratulations!
Where are you moving to? A new country? Or just a new city/town in England?
Also I'm in love with the male character from Grey's Anatomy. Maybe I'll blog about it sometime.
Not too sure I've ever noticed the correlation between change and fantasy, but it seems to fit. I suppose the prospect of big change is always likely to give you cause to project yourself into new situation, if only to work out for yourself whether it's a good thing you are doing or not. Whatever it is that you are doing, I wish you both well, hope it works out as you want it to, and doesn't stop you blogging (probably in that order).
Aw man. No shameful fantasy description AND fucking off? What are you trying to do to me? ;)
Wow, you're leaving just as I discover you via iwilltearyouapart etc? So will there be Smoke at the next destination?
You'd hinted at change, but I imagined you'd just be moving to a different district seeing as you love London so much. So wow! Where to now? Good luck wherever it is. Hope your move goes better than mine is...(my big life change fantasy is a whippet).
Never a dull moment! You have TV series and I have lyricists for similar inspirational points :
I went and set the Thames on fire and now I must come back down.
She's laughing in her sleeve at me, I can feel it in my bones.
But anywhere I'm gonna lay my head, boys, I will call my home.
as Mr Waits might say.
It better be a new country cuz the rest of the UK is pretty crap in comparison.
Change, fantasies and your blog - all good things. I hear my thoughts in your head, especially the part about the pillow and the Emergency scenarios. It gives me a good idea for a post - how I would pretend to be dying in some over glorified Spanish telenova scene while my truest love, who was a boy that barely noticed me in school, suddenly was at my bed side, sobbing and begging me not to die.
Long way of saying I love your blog. Can't wait to hear where your off to next. Congratulations on the great review from AAYSR.
Anon ~ Hi! Thanks and thanks. It's always a nice surprise to hear from someone who's read but never commented. I can't imagine not writing; so you can come with me. x, e
Franklin ~ It's a GREAT thing for both of us; but a bit nerve-wracking. I'll still be blogging; but I have been wondering if I'll need to change things up a bit ... colour scheme / title. It's a quandry; I'm quite attached to this look and feel. Clean like a sanatarium. :)
Sid ~ Not telling yet! I'll put it in post soon. Promise! AHA! I bet you'd completely get my fantasies (even if they're cheesey!)
Chris ~ Thanks for the well wishes. I'll still be blogging (can't imagine not, anyway). x
Ani ~ I love you! I won't really be fucking off. We'll still have our special moments together. Promise.
Ian ~ Hello, welcome, and I'm not going anywhere; well I am in one part of life; but I'll still be right here. I can't imagine otherwise.
Pueblo Girl ~ Yep, your moving posts synchronised closely with my mental preparation for the big change. You're going to roll your eyes and think I'm crazy; but I know you won't really judge me. xxx ps - make that fantasy reality, woman! :)
Rashbre ~ I'd not ever heard that before. FANTASTIC. Never a dull moment = true. Have to keep it interesting! x
Daniel ~ AH! I'm glad you said it! (I kinda agree).
Zen Mama ~ Yes! I bet we could swap escenas de telenovela and barely notice the difference! Always the tragic heroine. *rolls eyes at self* Thanks so much, glad you stopped by!
I too had a pillow lover when i was a child. Had forgotten all about it till i read your post! I see from your previous comment that you're not giving details yet so i'll wait with baited breath for the big announcement!
I'm going to roll my eyes and think you're crazy? No, you're never coming to...:·)
How exciting! I can't wait to hear where you're going!!
Bx
Mondraussie ~ I always think its funny how I think my 'secrets' are particular to me ... and then you find out others did/thought the same. I love that. Oh, and now you know! I'll have to start practicando el castellano.
Pueblo Girl ~ Yes! I'm pretty sure you got it. I thought you would! x
Beth ~ Now you know. Woohoo!
OK, should have read this one first. Where are you going?
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
you must STAY.
that is all.
Free Man ~ LOL - I know what you mean about reading order when you've gotten a bit behind. ;-) Madrid!
Jo ~ I'll be right here. xx
Congratulations on the big decision. How exciting! I think I'll be staying put, but I'll live a little vicariously and will of course read you wherever you go.
Ixxx
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