Sunday, 24 June 2012

Search Motives Examined


Perhaps at the urging of my therapist, or perhaps not, I examine my motivations for initiating a search for my birth mother. I seem to recall her (the therapist) asking, "What do you hope to get out of this?"

There is the wholly rational and acceptable answer: I want information on my medical background. If I am honest, this was always just a a darn good excuse for seeking out birth relatives and a 'nice-to'have'. Knowing whether my biological female relations suffer(ed) from breast cancer is useful, and, who knows ... may someday save my life. For the moment, however, access to medical background hasn't been a burning need, and in fact had very little to do with the start of my search, which was much more emotionally driven.

Neither am I looking to replace or augment my current family. I am happy with my mom and dad and two brothers. Sometimes I am annoyed with them. I buy into the theory that increased family size is directly proportional to familial related annoyance. I don't need more annoyance or drama or Christmas presents (to buy or to receive). My current family serves its purpose exceptionally, and I am not compelled by any sort of need to grout up any cracks in my nuclear family's foundation.

I suppose I was partially motivated by a desire to sate my curiosity. What does my biological mum look like? Do I look like her? Have I got half sisters or brothers? Do I look like them? How will I age? Like access to medical history, a sated curiosity is also a nice to have. For as great as it would be to get answers to even just some of my questions, none of those questions unanswered would have caused me to lose sleep.  They are more like the questions that are accompanied by an absent-minded stroking of your chin as you objectively mull over objective what-if type scenarios.    


Hmm.  What would happen if I stuck my finger in this socket and drank a glass of water at the same time?


The truth (as I know it, as I know myself) risks making me sound like a self-promoting do-gooder.  More than any other impulse, I was driven to satisfy what I imagined to be my birthmother's curiosity, which (again I imagined) would be a curiosity of such an extreme that it would cease to be curiosity.  It would be a constant and burning desire to know if she had done the right thing or not.  It would be something that she would think about on her deathbed.  It would be something that, not knowing whether to regret or not, she would regret her inability to find the answers.

BioMom (coined by my Spanish friends and pronounced 'bee-o mom') never saw me, held me, touched me (other than with her uterus and vaginal cavity).  For five years she didn't even know if I was a boy or a girl (and only found out through the vagaries of coincidence -- Biomom's sister went to the same obgyn when she was pregnant, and the doctor inadvertently spilled the beans on my gender.)

My birthmother did an incredible thing for me 43 years ago when she let me go.  I wanted to do something for her.  I wanted her to know that I was more than just fine; and that she had done a good thing.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Contact Made

Whilst my instincts may be thewless, unreliable things when it comes to romantic matters of the heart, they are proving themselves formidable allies in other matters.

Approximately two weeks after the Confidential Intermediary sent me the news that she had found my birth mother and had read my letter to her over the phone, she sent me another message, which contained Birth Mom's complete name, telephone number, mailing address, and email.

"I've tried calling a couple of times, but haven't been able to reach her." the Confidential Intermediary added in her note, as if to explain why it had taken two whole weeks to pass the coveted information along.  There was no need for me to respond to the Confidential Intermediary's note.  I now had contact details - as my birth mother would have for me according to the terms of the consent form.  The Confidential Intermediary's note did make me wonder, had Birth Mother changed her mind?  Had the news she had already had of me been enough to put her mind at ease? I also wondered why the Confidential Intermediary felt compelled to call her again.  Job done, no? I wondered if the Confidential Intermediary hoped to stay involved for some time; I suppose the vocation might be rife with unfulfilled curiosity:  bringing people together, yet probably rarely involved in the denouement of their initial legwork.

What to do?

I had made the first move; I had written my letter.  I decided I should wait.

I didn't have to wait more than a day or two before an email arrived with the subject line:  "From Susie in Idaho"

The letter started off not knowing where to start.

Where do I start?  First let me say that your letter was incredible!  As Confidential Intermediary read it to me, all I could do was sob..... knowing that you were so loved and had such a happy life growing up was the most wonderful thing I could have heard.  I can't tell you how I have worried about you....and prayed that you were healthy and happy.  Not knowing has been so hard! 

First mission accomplished:  a mind put to ease.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

I Run with the CFO who Runs

He passed me off to a couple of his minions. One responsible for ABC; the other responsible for XYZ. Neither got back to me immediately. Eventually, I emailed both again "to see if you had any questions re: the materials we sent." I never heard back from XYZ; ABC got back to me a couple of days later. She filled me in on a couple of streams of work that they were pursuing and then described a niche need they needed addressing, a niche my company just so happens to address.

A follow up call with ABC turned into a request for further materials and then another call -- with her minions. Extended vetting. During it all, I dropped the occasional and informal note to the CFO, just to "keep him in the loop" with the progress of things between me (my company) and his team. Each note included a personal reference to running ... Wishing him luck in the upcoming marathon, asking how the marathon went etc. When telefonic and electronic discussions with the minions reached a point where a face to face was certainly justified, I let the CFO know that I would be in town to meet with his team.

"Would he have time for a coffee or a rain check on that run I had missed?" I wrote.

In hindsight, I do not recollect the true motivation behind my "keeping in the loop" the CFO. Certainly, my company extols the virtues of aiming high in customer relationships ... The higher up the food chain, the safer you are. Part of me now wonders how much of my diligent follow up was inspired by professional diligence and how much by personal chemistry.

The CFO responded quickly. He suggested a run in the evening, followed by dinner, then to have lunch as his "partner" at a tennis event he had been invited to the next day. The only problem with the run was he would have no where to clean up ... Unless I didn't mind a) his not showering b) skipping dinner (that would be a shame) or c) his using my room for showering.

Whoa!

Normally red flags would be flying all over the place, but my instincts, as shaky as they have been, told me I could trust this guy on the face of his message:  he would make 'work' time for me, but there could be an element of 'dating' to our contact. The decision was laid before me: to accept one or various of the invitations, to make them into what I would, and to trust that nothing further would be expected or required.

"We're adults for Christ's sake. He just needs a place to shower." I told myself. "But go to a lunch as his 'partner'?  That sound like a date!"

I replied to him, "I will happily wait in the lobby with a beer while you clean up using my shower."

I kept the surface nonchalant and innocent; the undercurrents kept me awake during the nights leading up to the 'dates.'

Were the undercurrents in my head?  If not, was I excited?  What would I do? 

The evening we were to meet in my lobby - dressed in our running kit - came. A tropical-esque downpour hit the city whilst I waited. I read my phone. Then I heard a faintly familiar lilt when my name was called.  I looked up to see a fully work-dressed and drenched CFO standing in front of me with a gym bag. My stomach took a churn.  He is a handsome man, but it was the gym back that put me on edge. A man I didn't know - other than a superficial meeting - was going to be using my hotel room. 

I nonchalantly gave him my key and told him the room number. He asked which way -- if it was to the left or to the right of the lifts.  I shrugged. "Follow the signs." It occurred to me that maybe this was an unusual arrangement for him as well, and he was nervous too.  Why would he ask left or right? Everyone just follows the signs.  

I decided to be as transparent as possible. As we lightly trotted to the park, I commented on the unusual circumstances of our current meeting.  "It's not very normal to go running with a customer -- least of all a prospective customer."

He gave me a quizzical look. "It's the new networking." he said as he patted his stomach, "The new executive wants to be healthy.  Lot's of business is done over golf.  I like to run.  Sales people usually look out for personal interests of their customers." He was playing it cool; he didn't think running with me was so out of the ordinary .

During our forty five minutes around the park where we had first seen each other, we talked about work, running, and the history of the city. He did most of the talking as I huffed and puffed to maintain his pace.  "Do you want to walk a little bit?" he finally asked with a sympathetic smile on his face. "You need to slow down to increase the distance." he was exceedingly kind.

Back at the hotel, I went up to my room and showered first. I noticed he had left his gym bag unobtrusively hidden in a corner with his work clothes folded on top. When I finished my clean-up, I went downstairs, and we exchanged the room key like it was a baton.

We went to dinner. I studiously watched my wine intake. He went very serious when it came time to talk about my company and our services. I suddenly felt like I was in an interview. I couldn't read whether I had answered correctly.  He could have been playing poker.

The discussion turned and was stiffly bandied about between between professional and personal interests. I was on guard with the desire to impress professionally.  He seemed somber. I asked questions; he answered.

This isn't going as swimmingly as I had hoped.  I chastised myself for both thinking a sales person can operate on charm alone and that maybe there had been more than work behind our meetings.  In the thick of it, my previous intuition seemed off.

Why didn't I prepare better, research the equivalent of the GAPP here?  Why had I let my mind wonder about other possibilities.  But why had he, a busy (busy!) man make so much time for me?

 I remonstrated myself.  My shaky instincts grew shakier.

After dinner was paid for (he reached for his wallet since he had invited me and chosen the place, but I insisted on paying given it was a prospective customer call), he lost the fully somber exterior with which he had intimidated me during the dinner inquisition. Now he asked if I had ever seen some of the more popular sites of the city centre. I vacillated with indecision:  he is just being a polite host of his native city, but what if he's not? What would you do?

I went along for 30 minute mini tour of the old town, which ended at my hotel, where his gym bag was still in my room.  More indecision.

Do I make him wait downstairs and I go up and get it? Do I give him my key and wait for him to get it? Do we both go up to collect it - together in the same lift, on the threshold ...

Suggesting either of the first two options that had flitted through my mind felt rude and needlessly suspicious. I decided to trust the running CFO.  We rode the lift to the fourth floor, he picked up his gym bag, gave me a kiss on each cheek as is the custom in the country, and returned to the lift where he disappeared. 

I was relieved. 

But perhaps a little disappointed.